Be a Diamond Problem Solver, Part 3

Greetings Denizens!

   It’s that time again to look at the problems we face when living on a public server, and how we can prevent them and encourage better behavior for the good of all! Let’s make our fellow Denizens proud!
    Last time we looked at Bullying. Those of you who joined the conversation had some great advice for how to get away from cyber bullies and calm down before dealing with the problem! And now for this week’s theme!

Problem 3 - Arguments

    We’ve already brushed on some major points as far as this topic goes, but they’ve all been rather case specific, so let’s look at arguments themselves. No one can get along with everyone, so you’re bound to get in a few fights here and there.
    The “arguments” that we’re referring to with this journal are disagreements between people who escalate to the point that tempers flare and harsh words are exchanged. Heated disagreements are one thing, but when we start saying things that hurt others feelings, or that we ourselves regret saying later, it’s time to dial back and look at what’s going on.

What causes it?
    As I already started to say, the arguments we’re trying to problem solve here are the ones where our frustration and anger starts to take over our better judgement. This can happen to even the best of us. I’m convinced that it’s simply part of the human condition, BUT… it can happen less often and deal less damage if you’re mindful about things.
    Reasons to lose yourself in an argument are countless, but the common ones are anxiety, passion, fear, and a lot of other things that aren’t actually anger. Anger tends to come AFTER the triggering emotions, and that’s going to be an important fact to keep in mind for this journal.

How we tend to react to it…
    Or rather, how we tend to act in and after an argument.
    IN an argument, it’s very easy to get more and more upset, especially if you and the other person/people are feeding off of each other negatively. You want your point heard, you want them to believe you / agree with you / admit something / give up, and it’s so important to you that you stop thinking about the other aspects, such as how the other person feels or how exactly it is that you’re getting your point across.
    AFTER an argument, we often have a bad taste in our mouth, so to speak. It doesn’t often feel good to have been in an argument, even if you came out on top. We tend to either close up for a while, or vent to others about what happened. Very rarely is there any conversation between the arguing parties afterwards for a while, unless the argument starts up again, because everyone’s still sore.

How we should react to it…
    It’s important to be mindful of your own emotions as much as possible when a situation gets hairy. If coming out on top is your goal, then you have to think, you have to be smart about what you say and how you say it. And you have to be mindful and respectful of the arguing party. Simply dismissing what they have to say isn’t going to help you convince anyone, and being rude to them is just going to make you look bad.
    If being heard is your goal, then you have to listen to the others first. Pay attention to what they say. How can you relate what they care about to what you care about? If you can think on their terms, it will help you speak their language. If you’re not so good at that, try finding someone to serve as a mediator between you. And above all, the most important thing to remember about doing well in an argument is to never EVER point fingers directly at a person! “You’re being such a jerk!” isn’t going to help your case. Try instead “I’m very upset about this.” You’re better off talking about how you feel about the situation than how you feel about them.
    After the argument, if all went well, you’ll both have come out of it with a better understanding of the other person.

Oops… I did it
    So the argument is said and done. You didn’t manage to control yourself and harsh words were exchanged and you feel like you got nowhere. What now?
    It’s gonna suck picking up everything you left broken after that scuffle, but that’s what it’s going to take to fix this. It’s gonna take apologizing for your own behavior first and foremost. You’ll also have to be willing to listen to what the other person has to say after you apologize. When you get the chance to, you may explain how you felt about all of that, but DO NOT point fingers. You’ll just start another argument. Talk about the situation, not the person. If they apologize, be sure you let them know you forgive them. You can’t expect to be forgiven if you aren’t willing to do the same for them. If they aren’t mature enough to accept a calm apology and explanation, then they probably aren’t worth much more energy, and you should just let it all go for your own sake. But don’t let it go until you’ve apologized for your end. Be the better person, and people will respect you for it.

Let’s Discuss it!
    How do you feel you handle arguments? Do you have tricks to help keep calm? What sort of person would you want to mediate for you? Did I leave something important out? Do you have any questions? Comment below! Interact with each other, and with me, and let’s work some stuff out!

Please do not talk about specific events or people, unless they are positive in nature. This is a place to encourage growth, not to shame bad behavior. I will delete any comments I feel might hurt or embarrass anyone else!

And above all, Be Good to Each Other! ^_^